"Empty bladder before reading." -Laurie Notaro, New York Times bestselling author of We Thought You Would Be Prettier.PUBLISHERS WEEKLY: "This sincere, laugh-out-loud confessional from Turner candidly reveals and revels in the flaws and dysfunctions of the author and her family. The "controlling, compulsively cleaning, wine guzzling" narrator with "neurotic tendencies" explains that anyone who enters a potentially lifelong romantic relationship has made a terrible mistake "akin to jumping onto subway tracks to retrieve a fallen pen." That doesn't apply to her, however, when she meets Mike and realizes that she had "gleefully jumped onto the subway tracks, because I wanted that pen." The two agree to skip children, but eventually have two loving daughters who fill their lives with even more hilarious moments. From family problems, breastfeeding, her experiments with pot in Mexico, and lessons learned in Russia while "major[ing] in vodka," Turner is not afraid to voice her private thoughts and never takes herself too seriously. She details her pregnancy and child-rearing techniques in a refreshingly honest way, claiming that she should have been awarded a medal for managing to be kind at any point during her pregnancy. The book is light-hearted and riddled with comedic episodes that young mothers in particular will relate to and enjoy. Although the narrative is occasionally scattered as it jumps between stories, it remains a quick and thoroughly entertaining read."This Little Piggy Went to the Liquor Store chronicles what happens when a little girl who scorns the idea of marriage and children (in favor of becoming a stiletto-wearing, attache-carrying Secret Agent), majors in Russian, minors in Vodka, and then one day finds herself with child… and in-laws."Reading This Little Piggy Went to the Liquor Store is like going to your neighbor's house for a play date and discovering that she's just as clueless and crazy as you are." -Stacy Dymalski, Confessions of a Band Geek Mom"A.K. Turner's witty essays explore the raw realities of raising children so they won't become serial killers, showing that it's okay to put the little darlings to bed and then guzzle a bottle of hooch. This is the perfect cross between Nora Ephron, David Sedaris and Chelsea Handler." -Elaine Ambrose, Menopause SucksFrom The Quivering Pen: This Little Piggy Went to the Liquor Store by A. K. Turner (Fever Streak Press): Did Erma Bombeck ever guzzle vodka? If she did, she might have come close to the ribald domestic humor in Turner's "momoir" This Little Piggy Went to the Liquor Store. The subtitle of the book is "Unapologetic Admissions from a Non-Contender for Mother of the Year" and Turner pulls few punches in her self-deprecating descriptions of life as an "unexpected parent." Scan the chapter titles and you'll get an idea of what's waiting for you inside: "Do as I Say, Not as I Do" and "I'm Not Having Twins, Bitch," for example. Here are the Opening Lines:The family portrait of my youth resembles The Brady Bunch mixed with suppressed anger and mental instability, topped off with a healthy dollop of alcoholism. It was the usual amount of familial dysfunction, the type that involves your parents divorcing at the same time that a couple down the street divorces. A swapping of spouses takes place, and then people get married again. I hate the word "swapping;" it makes the entire situation sound much more sordid than it probably was. Sordid or not, the end result left me with step-siblings twice over, as my mother married their father, which was a limited engagement, and my father married their mother, which continues to this day. It helps to have a flow chart to keep it all straight. . . .